Can you just...?

The ruckus returns... 

Well then, this poor blog hasnt gotten an update since 2018. 6 years... a lot has happened in that time. This post will not be a review of it. Instead, I'm just getting right into it. While this started out as a transition blog and will certainly feature more stories from that, it is also for the general ruckus in my brain.

So, I'm just going to start dumping it here. Sometimes it will be a longer post, sometimes shorter. It will get dark. This is for all my venting as much as it is my triumphs. 

If that works for you, read on for the actual post...

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“Can you just…?”

“It'll only take a couple minutes.”

“I have a quick question.” 

“Please, I really need it.”

Any one of these could break me in a single instant. 

Even when I am quiet, My brain is moving a mile a minute. I'll be at work helping two people in person, trying not to forget someone else on the phone, or who the next person is in line after them. I'm focusing hard on a conversation or, notarizing a document. It's a precarious juggling act and one of those simple questions thrown in at the wrong moment sends it all tumbling down. There goes my train of thought - but aren't you so glad I was able to confirm you should put your Amazon return on top of the twenty other Amazon returns right in front of you?

I have to be on 100% of the time, running back and forth as I try to keep up with it all. People say I need to slow down. I can't slow down or I might  lose that clockwork hum in my brain. If I lose that, I spin out, moving in circles struggling to retask. It's exhausting. And when I don't get a chance to break, it shows. If I don't get to eat, it shows. By the end of the day, even five minutes could make or break me. I need to recharge to be able to do what I do. 

So when it's an emergency enough that I know I need to leave work even an hour early, and I have to fight people to be able to do it, sometimes it feels like it isn't worth it to try. The main front door is locked, the gate to close the store off from the mailboxes is half pulled, I'm literally counting the drawer. People sneak in the side door and need little things. I feel guilty. I'm too nice. I take care of the quick needs that I can as the time taken ticks away at my holding it together. The tears are coming. Some people argue why I would close early. The fight brings on the exhaustion faster. The sounds of people pulling on the door. Trying to ignore the phone. Tears are streaming down my face as I just try to get out of there. And I'm left panicking on the floor at 4:30 instead of 5:30, anyway, gasping into the phone I try to keep to my ear as my sister attempts to pull me out of the panic. 

Are your returns worth it? Are your packages worth it? 

You ask me if you can help me. I told you two minutes ago I'm trying to close. Just leave. Tell me to stop and go home. 

Everyone tells me it's ok to take care of myself. That this town needs me. But why won't anyone listen to me when I am trying to take care of myself. Why does my finally saying “no” mean I have to argue with people. Everyone wants to encourage me to stand in my power until they're the one who needs something from me when I can't give it. 

I shouldn't say everyone. I can think of a solid amount of people who would encourage me, who when I say I am closing early because I've been working completely alone literally all day, they say, “That is a good decision. Take care of you. I'll come back tomorrow.” And they go. Those people are treasures to me. I appreciate them more than I can say. 

I wish those could always be the people I'm facing on a day when I'm not ok. I wish people could be more understanding of when others are not ok. 

Was there a point to this? To get these thoughts off my chest, I guess. Yesterday was a hard day. Today will be another hard one. Will I try to close early again? I might have given up on that. 

Remember to give some grace and kindness to people. I'm not the only person who is struggling and overworked right now, who just needs a friendly word and a break, perhaps a hug. Be patient and remember that the person behind the counter is not a robot, they are human too. Just because they are there to do a job means they can always be perfect. Sometimes the person being ok is more important than the job getting done. Business can stop for a second. Whatever the job is, it is not more important than a person's well being. When it comes to taking care of mental health, sometimes it really is a matter of life or death. Can you say the same for your package return?