A Comparison

Sometimes a change cannot solely be documented in the written word. I've been making video diaries to spew my thoughts since before starting T. I've never intended to share the entirety of any of these videos (they're far too personal), but I have thought about using bits of them for comparison purposes. Since I think I'm funny, I took my constant comments on the lighting and edited them together. Be warned, my language does include some light swearing  (just in case you happen to have a small child nearby).

This Is Not A Happy Post

If you were looking for something positive, for stories of goodness and words of happiness to lift your spirits, this is not the place. If you're looking for unfiltered honesty, raw emotion, and at times downright ranting, you're in the right spot.

My blog has been collecting cobwebs since August of last year. Well, now I'm back to spew my trans thoughts and feelings. A lot has happened so get ready for a downpour.…

Last November marks the turning point. October wasn't too bad. Neal was gone most of the month for a long trip to Alaska then back down the coast, which was the hardest.  (Neal is my partner. Don't think I've ever mentioned them by name.) I missed them dearly. During that time I started practices for the murder mystery, and my bosses went out of town for a week. Yes, I certainly had some hard times, but no challenges were too much. After all, we had finally found another employee back at the end of June, and we seemed set for the upcoming Christmas season. That was my biggest stress earlier in the year. As long as that was taken care of, all would be fine.

Surprise surprise, hell was about to break loose again.

Let me put this straight: I will never forgive our ex employee for what she did. Trust me, I've fucking tried, but this was blatant abandonment. Please, somebody explain to me how this is ok? She knew from the beginning that our busiest time of year is Christmas … that's one. In August, she told us that she was staying with us and not going back to her old job teaching at a small local school… that's two. Beginning of November she informs my bosses her last day is the last day of November… yeah, you're out of my good books. I don't care if she was trying to do better for herself. If you need a better schedule I get it,  but don't abandon people right before things are about to get crazy. It's not like this is a terrible job either. Oh boo hoo, I can get guaranteed 40 hours of work a week in Mammoth… I mean, what the fuck? Well guess what, my bosses and I kicked ass all December and survived. Take that.

Mid-November I hit my one year on testosterone mark. Seeing as I was deep in panic mode regarding the upcoming December, and I was already quite busy with other things I've mentioned, I never did much of an update.  That was when I really had intended on resurrecting my poor blog here. It was worthy of an update. A lot has happened. Then again, maybe an update would have been all repetition of what I'd been saying in several posts last year.I did manage to put together a slideshow of my progress that was a nice marker. Pictures always get more of a response from people than words. As someone who loves writing, I can't say that's a particularly nice thought.

I had hoped that I would have made more headway on my name change by November but even up till the moment I'm writing this, nothing has changed. I'm going to write a whole separate post on that one. There's a lot I can say in regards to that. Luckily the only time I really face my name is when I notarize. The majority of the world - no matter what gender they perceive me as - knows I like to be called Sam.

That does lead me into the brunt of my frustration, however.

I am misgendered CONSTANTLY. I am also a coward who never corrects people. (See post: "Where's the confidence" for more detail. Nothing has changed). Right now, I'm gunna talk about why misgendering sucks so much.

If you are trans, this next part isn't for you. You know. For the sake of example, imagine you, the reader, were assigned the gender of "male" upon birth due to certain genitals. Also, we are going to assume you are cisgender which is the opposite of transgender, meaning you identify with the gender you were assigned with at birth. Basically, you were assigned male, you feel male, you are male. Ok, now that that's settled …. Imagine if everyone in your life called you ma'am or she or her. Every day. How long could you put up with that? This isn't just a matter of caring what people think. If people are constantly calling you something you're not, completely missing your identity, it starts to fucking hurt.

I mean, speaking for myself, I've tried to ignore it. I can't anymore. I'm having nightmares now where someone will misgender me, and I straight up scream in their face that they are wrong. Part of me is terrified im gunna do that in real life one day without meaning to. I'm not that person but enough stress can do crazy things. I mean, stress gave me a terrible rash on and off for the past year that I finally seemed to have gotten rid of… but that's all we need to say about that.

Back to that misgendering thing… it's hard to put to words exactly what it does. It's like I'm two different people: the real Sam, the me I believe myself to be, and "Samantha," the girl. I feel 100% Sam but then someone hits me with a "she" or a "ma'am" and I'm confused. Who are they talking about? What girl? You mean me? Huh? This goes through my head all the time, and it gets worse each day. The more confident I feel within myself and my identity, the larger the rift between myself and this imaginary girl people have known grows. I wish I could explain the full mindfuck this causes, but really, I don't think you can completely understand it unless you've experienced it on some level. I'm sure there are parallell examples that are non trans related, I just am not aware of any in this momemt to bring forth as evidence.

You'd think with all this, I'd be tired enough to start enforcing my pronouns, correcting people when they're wrong… that would be a negatory. I'm not going to explain my reasons for not doing so. I already have. I don't want to keep rehashing it because I don't like my reasons. I don't want to continue to make excuses for myself. I just want to say that I need to make a change or I'm going to explode.

I know I've said "I'm saying this to make myself accountable" way too many times as well. It's not like that is making much of a difference. All it does is make me feel more guilty, which is the last thing I need. I mean, I'm my own worst enemy. The meanest person to me… is me. All I do is try to put myself in others' shoes, try to think of why they may do or say certain things and then give them the benefit of the doubt. But, I've taken it too far.  Now I'm so to the wrong side of things that I'm afraid of correcting people because I don't want to embarrass them or make them feel bad. This is not right. I'm to the point that I feel selfish when I think of myself. Transitioning has been such a test for myself in this. I've had to do so many things that my brain wants to say are selfish when that's not true. I'm just trying to feel comfortable within myself. Is that so hard to ask, Sam, really? It's not selfish to want to feel happy, to want to feel hope.

I was to the point I couldn't even visualize the future. It all felt too impossible. Life doesn't feel that way anymore. Yes, I still get frustrated, anxious, and depressed; but those feelings are far less than they used to be - and a lot of them stem from my not standing up for myself anyway. Not that transitioning will ever 100% cure those feelings because they don't 100% stem from being trans. Does this mean I now know exactly what I'm doing with my future? No. It does mean I now feel like there is a future for me.  Life seems to be bringing things together for me now anyway. For a 26 year old, I am actually incredibly stable. I have a full time job, I have my own place, I'm in a great relationship, I pay all my bills on time… hell, I've already filed my 2017 taxes.

This actually takes me to an interesting point. You see there's another divide I've felt. It's not quite as maddening as the Sam/Samantha misgendering one. This one is more curious than frustrating. I've always looked young for my age. That's nothing new. I remember I was 21 and had someone ask me if I was 16… so yeah, I'm used to it. Since I've started transitioning, that has only accentuated this fact. I realize I look young. Probably, what, 18? Maybe a little older? Maybe younger? Depends on the person. Anyway, even I see this when I look in the mirror. Sometimes it causes dysphoria, sometimes it doesn't. When it does, its usually because I'm really not feeling anywhere mentally close to the "teenager" I look like and it kind of weirds me out. Still I'd rather people see me as an 18 year old boy than a girl of any age. It's worse to be misgendered. What's even more curious is there are times I do feel close to that teenager mentality. Confused, angsty, at times emotionally unstable, etcetera… there were times especially last year I had to sit back and remind myself that was happening. Hell, there are times I remind myself now. This is still happening and will continue. Changes don't stop after a year. Back to the point, it's interesting to have to think of these things. There are days I'm so caught in it I feel like Harry Potter from Potter Puppet Pals when he's just banging his head against the wall constantly going "angst, angst, angst." (If you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up on YouTube). Those are the days I have to constantly remind myself to be nice and make sure I'm not taking my mood out on others. Those also happen to be the hardest days to keep it together at work. Unfortunately theres no such thing as an "overwhelmed by puberty or dysphoria" days at work and I have to keep on keeping on (even though I'd rather be curled up under a blanket in the dark at home, binge listening to Twenty One Pilots or The Wall by Pink Floyd). It takes a lot of energy. How bout we leave it at that?

On that note, I think I've spewed on this blog enough for this time around. Tune in next time for more tales from Sam's mind.