I'm going to preface this with something that I hate about myself. I'm a coward when it comes to shots. In all actuality, I could be giving my t shots to myself. I would LOVE to give them to myself. I fully intended going into this clinic looking for a little extra instruction on how to give it to myself. (PLEASE, if you are reading this and are a nurse or have experience with muscle injections, please help me. I just need a guide for one or two shots then I'm golden. I will PAY you.) I mean, the doctor's office where my endocrinologist is is what initially messed up. I remember the first t shot I ever got, my doctor sent me to a different department in the building to get it, and she specifically said they were going to show me how to do it. Know what happened? Nurse gives me a shot. "Okay we'll see you in 2 weeks for the next one!" But, but... I then had to explain (close to tears because I was extremely stressed that trip and I was still full of female hormones) that I live OVER 300 miles away and they were supposed to show me. Nurse panic. I've seen it in their eyes many times. So they show me as best as I can. They gave me the initial shot in my arm, so she kinda just had to mime it for my thigh (where self injection of t is commonly done), with an assurance that I can look it up on Youtube. You can learn a lot from Youtube, but injecting yourself is a hard one. I don't know about you, but that made me uncomfortable. I took her advice, looked up some videos. Still, it's not the same.
Not only is stabbing yourself with a giant needle not easy, but when I get nervous, I SHAKE. I have no control over it. To this day, I could be as ready for an audition as possible, but the first time I'm standing on stage you can see that script shaking like a leaf. Well, that's how my first two self injections went. My hands couldn't stop shaking, it hurt way more than when the nurses give it to me, and I was paranoid I was going into the wrong spot and was gunna hit a vein and go into shock or something. So, I reached out to the local clinic for help.
When I initially went in, I stated my intention of just needed help learning how to do it. Every time, they came in just to do it for me. I was nervous about the shot, and it was easy to let go of the stress of shaky hands and injecting wrong and just let them do it. But now the stress of going in and dealing with this dance it too much. Now it's this monster. Usually I have a different nurse every time. I'm lucky if I can get the same one a few times in a row. But, do you know how hard it is to ask every time - "Hey, I've been coming here trying to get help to learn how to do this. Will you help me?" Also, when half the time they seem to be TRAINING the nurse, it really doesn't seem like the best opportunity.
The beginning of this year I think it was, I did try bringing this up again. I was so proud of myself. The nurse seemed to be on my page. Hell, she even GENDERED me correctly. That's NEVER happened. Not at the clinic, not at the endocrinologist. Why else do you think I'm getting testosterone injections? Ah, but I digress... So the nurse who was on my page. That was all great, but then I never saw that nurse again. I get I have to speak up, but I'm fucking tired. I knew it would be a struggle being trans, but I didn't think it would be this hard to work with doctors once you've been doing something so long it should be routine. The first time I went into the clinic about this it was December of 2016! I get I'm asking for something weird and out of the ordinary, so I try to keep a deep well of patience. At this point, it's starting to go dry. I mean, the first time I went in they told me it would be no problem. Lo and behold I get there and there is a problem, I need to have an appointment with one of their doctors to approve this. I completely understand that, but I sure wish they had told me about that ahead of time. I've been forgotten in the waiting room because they forgot to tell the nurse I was there, They gave me twice the dosage of testosterone once. Called me a few hours later and were like "Yeah if you start feeling really, really sick come to the hospital because we gave you too much..." Uh.... Suffice to say the next day my emotions freaked out, I got really weird, and I had to go sleep it off... I'm glad it wasn't any worse than that. Also, they have messed up information on appointments before. They called me one day as I was driving into town saying they had messed up when scheduling that morning's appointment (even though I had scheduled it TWO WEEKS in advance) and that I would have to wait till the doctor got in (30 mins later AT LEAST) before I could actually get my shot.
It's not just the clinic in my hometown either. Just yesterday I was seeing my endocrinologist in Pasadena. It took me an hour to realize that they had called in everyone who had checked in after me. What can I say? I was spacing out and tired. I had just driven five hours straight, and was trying to decompress just a little before my appointment. Well, surprise surprise, even though I had signed in, they had my name nowhere. Luckily they got me right in after that. Still, I don't know what point is a ridiculous amount of waiting. I swear they've made me wait that long before and it wasn't because I was forgotten but because they were busy. Either way, I didn't scream at them. Just said, "It's ok, it happens." But when receptionist responded, "Yes, but it shouldn't," I wanted to laugh. You don't realize how often this happens to me, do you?
