I've talked a lot about appearance in regards to clues to knowing I'm trans. A lot of that is because the rest comes down to feeling, and it's tricky to describe such things. How can you explain how something feels to someone who may not have ever felt such a way? Usually, I'm close to grasping just how to do that; but as I start to put it to words, it begins to fall apart, my point lost. This post has taken me some time to put together, but I think I've found a way to describe it.
I've always felt a want to impress boys, to show off. Growing up I thought it was because I had crushes, or that I just wanted to prove that I could be as good as the boys. The first one wasn't necessarily true but the second one was closer. I wanted to be accepted by the boys as one of them. I wanted to say, "I like a lot of the things you do. I want to join in with you. Can we be friends?" But I never did. I always had this looming fear that I wouldn't fit in, that they would reject me just on the sole basis that I was a "girl". (I actually wanted to take auto-shop so bad in high school but didn't because of that fear. I was a lonely person constantly afraid of rejection and being more lonely - still am. It's a stupid reason, and I still regret not stepping out of that comfort zone). That doesn't mean I never had guy friends. When I did, I always enjoyed the friendship and time spent. I don't know why some of the friendships never grew stronger. I've identified a want to be one of the guys on many occasions in my life. Being a closeted lesbian I felt it especially (and felt very confused by it too. If I was a lesbian why did I want to be one of the guys?). When around guys, I would want to talk about girls too. I would want to join in in general. Feel accepted.
Alternatively, in a group of girls I have always felt out of place. I noticed it more as I got into high school and beyond. I would be a part of the group, but I would always feel like a bit of an outsider. When working in places that were mostly women, I would have that same feeling and have a hard time joining in conversations. I'd smile and nod, act like I felt like a part of things but an act is all it was. Even where I work now it's the same. It's hard to explain the exact feeling, which is weird because when I feel it, it's so distinct… When I'm with my female coworkers I feel like there's a certain bond between them. It's not like friendship, it's not even that they get along better, it's just that there's something between them that I don't have with them. Does that make sense? I feel like it doesn't make sense but I don't know how to word it so it will. I mean, it's like I feel like I'm not one of them, but I don't have a desire to be one of them either. It's different than when I'm around guys.
At Adventure in Camping, I was surrounded by guys. I never completely felt like one of them, but by the end I felt as close as I could get. It was pretty darn nice. After that, working at Hertz I was surrounded by guys again. You see, the rental desk is located inside a local sports shop called Kittredge. Some people would try and include me but mostly I would observe from my little corner, wishing I was a part of the guys. I was confused, lonely, frustrated. I constantly wished I knew what was wrong with me. I knew I was missing something. This feeling wasn't new.
When I lived with my grandparents and they would take me to events or when they would have friends over, I would always get along with the husbands and the older men better. It wasn't that I couldn't get along with the ladies, but it never happened so naturally. Even between my grandparents, I gravitated towards my grandpa. Over the first year I lived there especially, I spent so much time with him. We went on a lot of lunches out together as he told me his stories. The best would be our "violent movie nights" as we called them. My grandma would be out for the evening which meant we had the house to ourselves. We would order pizza and watch movies that Grandma couldn't stomach (mostly Clint Eastwood movies like Dirty Harry, The Outlaw Jose Wales, etc. We mixed it up with other violent movies too). I know girls can like this stuff too, maybe that's why I never took it as a clue. But the love of those movies isn't really what I'm trying to draw attention to here anyway. It's the natural draw to my grandpa. I've always felt that around my dad too, my uncles, all my male relatives. I hardly ever saw my mom's dad, my Grandpa Mike, but I even felt it in regards to him as well.
I don't remember a lot of "girl pressure" from these family members so much. By that I mean "you can't do this or that because you're a girl." There is one thing that has killed me over the years though. I'm the eldest and have always been told I can do whatever I put my mind to… but I can't carry on the family name and my brother can. Before I say how this makes me feel I just wanna say that that may not even be true because my family doesn't know my brother's deepest dreams. No one can tell him he has to start a family one day (I've never gotten any indication from him that he wants to). He shouldn't be expected to carry on the family name just because he's a boy as much as a girl shouldn't be expected to drop hers because she's a girl. Anyway, I have always been deeply hurt by this any couldn't explain why. It's not like I plan on having kids anyway. I've thought about maybe adopting one day, but as of right now I have no desire for children. I think its just the fact that I wasn't even considered as an option but my brother automatically was. I would feel the same way every time my parents or my Granny M especially would bring up the importance of him being the "Taylor male" and how great it was that my parents got a boy. I have always tried not to let this get to me but it always has all the same. Honestly, I feel like my brother will always have my dad's attention in ways I'll never be able to get it. I have always felt the need to make my dad notice me. I've always wanted to be just like him only I feel like he's never seen it. I feel like I could be waving my hands in his face screaming, "I want to be like you! Look at what I'm doing!" And he'd only glance and say, "Oh that's nice," then forget about it. I know he doesn't ignore everything I do but it always seems that the things I most want to share with him, he barely notices. Still, I'm always running back to him for advice, or even just to talk. I love him yet he drives me mad. We're so alike in so many ways yet I wonder if he sees it.
We're going to move on now and talk about another layer of this feeling. To be honest this part is making me emotional, and I'm writing myself into a corner. There's more I want to say but I'm gunna have to say it at a later time. So, onwards…
There's someone else I've always felt drawn to. Let's talk a little about my obsession with Freddie Mercury. I have been, for the longest time, in love with the band Queen. Their music will gets me to stop and listen every time. Often this includes singing along - even to the guitar solos. I adore every band member, but none more than Freddie. Freddie drew my attention more than anything from the first moment I heard his voice, and even more so after watching videos of him perform. I eat up information about what he was like offstage. My obsession confused me as much as I fed it. Why was I so into Freddie? I remember a few years back Queen held a contest to start an official cover band that would tour and everything. I filmed so many audition videos but never sent any in. Why would I? None of them were right. It felt good when I was filming, but every time I played back what I had done, I didn't look like I thought I did, I didn't sound like I thought I did. Besides, how would I ever get the part as a girl when so many actual guys with talent were trying out. I had no chance and it broke my heart.
I've been listening to both male and female singers for years. When it comes to singing, I find that it's always been a personal habit of mine to try and mimic the voice I hear. In fact, when I took voice lessons and was asked to sing in my own voice I really struggled. When I mimic the female singers, I've always been proud of myself when I can do it but consciously realized "That's not me, that's me being (insert name here)" and when I tried to sing along with male voices… well singing along was all fine and dandy, but if I tried to sing it by myself it was (still is) the most heartbreaking disappointment. Do I really sound like that? Before I had the word "trans" it was especially heartbreaking, because I didn't understand why I was so upset.
I mean, I finally get an underlying struggle I had while working at the radio station (Oh yeah, I worked for a radio station for a while. Started interning my senior year, worked there a couple years and came back and worked for them part time when I moved back to Mammoth up until October of last year). I would have such an issue with listening back on my recordings. In the beginning, I would play back my voice tracks more but hated listening to myself. I knew I sounded fine, but for some reason I did not like listening to my voice. Once I had been recording enough to feel more comfortable, I stopped listening back as much (it was my trick to being so fast at voice tracking). Every so often I would force myself to listen to a shift of my voice tracks. All I'd have to do is turn on the radio when I knew I'd be "DJ-ing" while I was out and about just to check in with myself and make sure all was ok, but it was very difficult. The worst was doing commercials. At least a little more of my personality would come through when talking about music but recording a commercial would be like slipping right back into that Samantha costume I would for work. My voice would go into advertisement mode and would become the same voice I would use as a reservationist - or any job that required answering phones for that matter. I can remember being back in Adventure in Camping. One of the guys walked in after I had answered the phone with the usual spiel "thank you for calling adventure in Camping this is Samantha, how can I help you?" He did the total, repeat and mock of what I said and it made me feel so terrible. These days when I answer the phone this way for my current job, since I'm aware of the problem, I am also very much aware of the disconnect between myself and this voice. I'll answer the phone and it's like for a moment there's a whole new person there. Who's speaking? It's not me. Where is that voice coming from? Part of the reason I left the radio station back in October is because I knew voice tracks would soon become unbearable.
I mean, I feel great now that I've started hormone replacement therapy. I'm actually 3 months in (which is a huge deal that I'm so excited about). There's a certain calm within myself, a certain comfort within that I can feel that I've never felt before. Each day, it's only getting stronger. Yeah, I still have bad days. Normal stress still gets to me and dysphoria is a constant struggle but deep down inside where the worst of the mania was… it's fucking gone.
I was able to start my transition rather quickly. I am lucky in this and will be forever grateful. I found a therapist that I was even able to Skype with so I didn't have to travel a ridiculous distance (I still have to travel for my endocrinologist, but hey, you win some, you lose some). I didn't have to be seeing her for years, or live as a man for a set amount of time (there are states that make you do this) before I was able to get a referral to begin hormone replacement therapy. Now, just so you know, you don't have to do HRT to be trans. Everyone's trans journey is different. Considering one of my goals was always to kill my period, I knew HRT would be a goal for me.
You have to understand that it's extremely difficult for me to make decisions, especially regarding myself and my happiness. I will obsess for a ridiculous amount of time before I finally make the damn choice and only cause myself more pain by prolonging the wait. This was different. Now, I did have to come to terms with being trans. Like I said, there were years of pushing it away, but when the time came that I finally turned around and applied the word to myself, it felt so right and fit so perfectly... Even when I was sitting there going, "No… I have to think about this more… It can't be true…" I knew it was true. I could try and deny it all I wanted, but that wasn't changing anything. I knew I would never stop obsessing about it because it's the ultimate truth and there was no way I could lie to myself about it any more. I struggled with being a lesbian more than this. I mean, fuck, I was aware of that for 3 years but something just felt off about coming out. I didn't plan to deny it if someone asked me out right, but I didn't want to come out publicly (I also realized that was weird). Turns out it was because it wasn't the right label, and I was holding out for myself...
Let me say it again: This has felt so right! I can't tell you the last time I felt this comfortable with myself. Shit, I never felt so happy to be experiencing puberty. Female puberty was a new hell every day. My boobs alone have caused many tears and my period…. Listen, I know no woman is a fan of her period, but it would make me so miserable and feel so far from myself… I hated my period so much that back when I was dangerously skinny, I lost my period and didn't tell anybody. I knew it wasn't healthy and that scared me. Still, I was more afraid of people making me go to the doctor to get it back. Long story short, I did get healthy again and got it back, up until I started taking testosterone that is (thank fucking goodness).
Back to first puberty… I remember I didn't notice when I started growing hair, other people did. I very clearly remember being in middle school, 6th grade. I was jumping on a trampoline with one of my friends and happened to be wearing one of my favorite shirts - just happened to be a tank top. I lifted up my arms and with one cry of "ew" brimming with so much disgust, my friend made it known to me that I had underarm hair and that it was unacceptable. With shame later that day, I asked my mom if she would show me how to shave. The stuff was fast growing, and I would need to shave often. Still, this wasn't the only time my underarm hair would be made fun of. "Maybe you should just go to France, Sam. I hear girls there have a lot of underarm hair. You'd fit right in." Looking back now I realize I was most embarrassed because I *like* being hairy. I have always shaved out of shame. I never wanted to start shaving my legs either. The most freedom I ever felt was last summer when I said "that's it" and gave up on shaving my legs and underarms for good. I am not ashamed to say that I'm one of those transguys who checks for new hairs every day. I'm also happy to report that I have hairy genes, and one of the first changes I started noticing was my increase in hair. (Please I beg of you if you ever notice my stubble or whatever tell me. You will make my fucking week). Let me tell you, I never realized how much I wanted facial hair until I started growing it. I've felt such sadness the times I've had to shave it. (Yes, it's actually growing enough that I've gotten to this point). I let it go until I feel like it's noticeable in the right light. If anyone *has* noticed, they haven't said anything. I think it may have to do with the idea that everyone assumes I'm a girl and if they do notice it, they probably figure a girl doesn't want to hear she has facial hair. Damnit.
I hate it when people assume anything because of how I look. I mean, I wish appearance wasn't so much of the issue, but people really do decide things about you based off how you look. I mean, here's a little one that causes me endless annoyance. I work in a shipping center. People bring in all sorts of packages to go out. Men drop off packages, take one look at me, and go "This is heavy. Do you want me to help you with that?" This package is 40 lbs. I can fucking lift it. I could lift twice as much. I *want* to lift it. I've always loved being considered strong. As long as I can remember, I've taken a sense of pride in being able to lift heavy things. Fuck, I lift weights for fun. Man, woman, I don't care. Let me lift the heavy thing. But, because I'm assumed to be a girl, people let me lift less. I insist I can do it as much as possible, but I swear there are still times I get told no. Every time we get copy paper delivered, my boss, Marcia, goes "No, no, no don't lift that. Let Craig take care of it." Because he's the guy. Let me just excuse myself to go throw a temper tantrum in the corner…
(Some time later)
Lately I've been bouncing between that feeling I mentioned earlier of feeling so good about myself to this extreme frustration that comes from people not seeing me as I see me. As I said in my last post, it's time to come out at the places I'm still closeted. I'm only going to get more upset the longer this all goes on. I mean, I was just talking to my partner about my lack of confidence in myself this morning and I said this, "I think I have so little confidence that I don't want to do enough to help myself." I had to stop and look at that after I sent it because somehow I feel like that's hitting the nail on the head. The lack of confidence feeds the dysphoria just as much as it feeds my fear of coming out.
I want to stress again how much it's not about appearance. It's about feeling comfortable within myself. Unfortunately, it seems I won't be able to completely get there until my appearance can line up. "Passing" is a controversial thing. The idea of that being the goal - as if to say I was never what I claim to be in the first place, that I won't be until I look like a guy - is an insulting thought. But we live in an appearance based society. We have a long way to go before someone looks at you - no matter what gender you look like - and asks your preferred pronouns before addressing you. For the current time - a gradually shortening amount of time, I try to remind myself - I still look too much like a girl for people to assume I'm anything but one. I try not to let it bother me though more often than not I fail.
I can feel my self confidence trying to form deep within myself. Some days I can feel it come forward, have a few hours where it takes control. Holding onto it in the hard moments is the real challenge. In the end though, it's a personal problem. When it gets down to it, I'm the only one who can fix this. It does help to write it out, to get it out of my head.
I hope this post wasn't too long, or too all over the place. I feel like there's so much more I could say, I just don't know how to fit it. This was probably one of the most difficult posts to write thus far.
