Ups and Downs

"What do you think today?"

The nurse looks me right in the eye, hopeful. Her smile is big, her eyes bright even though she told me earlier she was a bit tired. I like her vibe. I need it for my goal. I take a deep breath, trying to force down the jitters that inevitably began in the waiting room. "I'm going to do it today. I'm shaky, but I'm always shaky when it comes to this. I'm gunna do it."

Ten minutes later I'm sitting with my pants down, holding the needle as steady as I can manage it mere centimeters from my leg. The usual pep talk runs through my head, only louder this time. I'm determined. "You got this. It won't hurt. It's ok, Sam." Every once in a while, I say the words out loud. The nurse echoes them. I am so grateful for her patience.

"Would you like me to play some music?"

I don't remember if I said yes or not, but she puts some on. I try to focus on that and breathing. It helps.

I look back to my leg. I. Am. Going. To. Do. This.

I fail at counting to three and forcing it in. I try counting a few more times. Still, I can't bring myself to do it. One more deep breath. And. Poke.

"There you go. Just a little harder." Her hand appears to help me add more pressure.

The shaking gets worse. "Its ok. Take your time. It's gunna go slow."

She helps me push the plunger. After what feels like another minute, it's done. She takes the needle and caps it for me, then holds out her hand for a high five.  "Alright!"

This was a triumph for me, a wall broken through. Shot anxiety is a real thing (though not talked about nearly enough amongst transguys, in my opinion). Especially the last few months, I have been determined to beat it. I may not stay on testosterone forever, but as long as I continue having it prescribed for hormone replacement therapy, I need to be able to administer it myself. I never thought it would be this hard to beat a fear, or that I would be so fearful of this in the first place. Then again, no one ever said this would be easy.

Speaking of not easy, can we talk about binding for a second? I have been binding pretty regularly for about a year and a half now, and I have a few things to say. First off, you may be wondering, "What the heck is binding, Sam?" I'm glad you asked. Binding is a way to achieve a flat chest when you do not have one. While mainly used by transguys to alleviate chest dysphoria, I have also seen binding utilized by nonbinary individuals and lesbians, just because of preference. Dysphoria may or may not be present. In this case, I will be speaking from my own personal experience as a transgender man. I speak for no one but myself. Everyone is different.

I use binding because my chest causes me major dysphoria. When I first came out, months before starting t, I bought myself a binder. I started out wearing it on just the weekends, and have progressed to every day at work and trying to give myself a break on weekends. This may or may not happen depending on if I go out in public.

Now, there are several different ways to bind that I know of. First, there are ace bandages. Seriously, don't use these. They are dangerous. They are not built to give you breathing room and you can cause major damage to yourself. There is also KT tape. I have never used it and have heard mixed reviews. I don't like the idea of having to put my skin through the trauma of taking a bandage like thing on and off every day, so I probably won't go this method ever. My skin is fairly sensitive. Finally, there are "Binders" made specifically for binding down one's chest while also being breathable and "safe to wear." Still, there are rules. You don't sleep in them, exercise in them, or wear them for too long in one day or you can have issues. I think I break the rule of wearing mine too long in a day way too often. Anyways, think of it like an extra tight sports bra, or an anti bra. While a bra supports, a binder… squishes.

Not gunna lie, I think it's in the same realm of a corset for discomfort, except not as extreme. If you can't breathe, your binder is too tight and dangerous. (I'm sure the same went for corsets, but women were encouraged to continue wearing them anyway. There are warnings everywhere to be smart with your binder, thank goodness). It took some getting used to wearing. It still takes getting used to wearing. There are days it feels too tight or like its not binding well enough. I have a few different binders at this point that I try to rotate through, though I still tend to default to that original one. No matter what one I wear, it's getting old. It's starting to hurt me. My wearing it too long is beginning to take its toll. Luckily, from regular exercise and fat redistribution from taking t, my chest size has gone down considerably. Enough so that with the right shirt, I can go binderless and it not be noticeable. I'm not ready to go to work like that, but I need to slowly start working on a new solution. Top surgery is realistically a long off goal. Not only is it expensive ($6000-$9000 depending on a surgeon, not counting travel costs), but the recovery time is long (6-8 weeks). I can't take that kind of time off work. I can't afford it. I don't even know if I'm ready to put myself through the trauma of a major surgery. But, this battle with my chest is maddening. Some days it's hard to get out the door. I'm obsessed with hiding my chest. I get so upset when I feel like it looks too big, to which Neal always tells me, "Sam, it doesn't look big. If anything, you look buff. Your belly sticks out more." And to say my belly sticks out more is really the kicker because my belly hardly sticks out. I know this. I know Neal is right. I try to hold their words close, but it doesn't always work. Dysphoria is a strong beast.

I try to also keep in mind that there are actually a lot of transguys who dont bind. I've been searching out more and more of them. Finding their youtube channels, getting their perspectives and hearing how they navigate dysphoria. It's refreshing. To be honest, my dysphoria is worsened by going out in public and being perceived by people. I fear if I don't bind that people will misgender me. I need to get rid of that fear. This transition is for me. If I can find a way to be comfortable with myself without binding or going under the knife for a while, then I most certainly will, and I need to just ignore anyone who misidentifies me because of it. I know who I am and I don't need others to tell me. Again, I'm not transitioning for them, I'm transitioning for me. A lot of guys give that advice on dealing with being misgendered. It really does help to think about it that way. It's certianly helped me at work. I just dont feel comfortable correcting everyone and to some people, since I live in a small town and they've known me forever, will never get it right. But that's okay because (one more time for the people in the back) I know who I am and I'm doing this for me. Besides, all the people who do matter (or most of them) get it right.

I just care altogether too much about everything. I care too much about what people think. I care too much about work. I just need to relax. The other day I said I wanted to run away, to which my partner responded, "No you don't." I was annoyed at first, but when I thought about it more, they were right. I don't want to run away. I like this place. Some days I even like my job. The problem is that I've let myself get too worked up in everything that's wrong. I've taken on too much anxiety. There's so much that can be let go. I wish I could take a solid week off right now, just to reset my head, but I can't. So, I need to look to the little things. There are many little things to look forward to. For instance? Today, May 16, 2018, I am officially one year and six months on testosterone. If that isn't something to be stoked about, I don't know what is. Progress, Sam. Progress.

There was a brief stint in my childhood where my dad would ask, "What's right," instead of "What's wrong?" I need to start asking myself that more often.