Hey there, Readers. It's been awhile. What can I say? A lot has happened since my last post. I've tried multiple times to write a new one, but the words wouldn't come… until now.
I've been very busy as of late. July had a lot going on. I got back from vacation and jumped once again into work. We have some slow days but this summer has been way busier than last year. Not to mention we never had a shoulder season break. Luckily, when I got back there was a new employee there who had started a couple days before I left. During the course of my trip she had gotten some good training in. I hate training. When you're trying to balance a busy work day while trying to stop and explain every step of what youre doing at the same time, it gets intense. I mean there was still plenty of training I had to deal with, but I got to miss out on a week of it at least. Besides that there has also been play practice. That's right, I'm doing Shakespeare in the Woods again. But this time I have a part I really like and I'm being true to myself. The difference between this year and last year is crazy. But more on that another time…
The last couple weeks have been hard. It's been very busy and for some reason the depression has come back for a little visit. I've been working on getting it out of here but anyone who has struggled with depression knows that's easier said than done. It makes me so extra tired and my nightmares have returned. It makes going to work and then practice in one day a daunting challenge - though to my credit I still get it done and manage to have fun at practice too.
But certainly there's something else feeding this black cloud, yes? That would be correct. It is the disappointment in myself. Dont worry. I will explain.
Building self confidence is challenging. Though everyone keeps telling me how brave I am, I feel less so. I don't stand as firm in myself as I should. Yes I came out at work and they agreed to calling me Sam but not one single time have I been gendered correctly, nor has an effort been made to try, but most importantly, I have not been doing anything to correct it. That is where I am failing myself.
How is anyone supposed to know? How are people supposed to get it of they don't start hearing the righr pronouns being used for me? I'm slowly starting to look less obviously female. Though I still get gendered female quite often, there have been a few times I have been gendered properly by strangers that happened over the last month. Each moment made my day. It's a sign to me of progress. I'm getting closer. (On the 16th I'll be 9 months on HRT. that's a long time.) But, if i start correcting people, start making it so others hear the right pronouns being used for me, then I will hear what I want to hear more. So why haven't I? Part of it is that I'm afriad of getting into a debate. I don't know what people will say and I'm always afraid I'll be expected to explain myself, something I don't always have the energy for. I'm also afraid of offending people, I guess. We all get annoyed when we get corrected a lot. I mean, I suppose it's less I'm afraid of offending people (though that's it a little) and more afraid of just getting on people's nerves. Are any of these thoughts right? No. Not really. I'm getting hurt by this going on and I just need to suck it up and not care what people think. I'm too tired for an explanation? I'll send people to this blog. That's what it's for anyway. I dont wanna annoy people? Too fucking bad. I'm annoyed. Other people can have a turn now.
I feel that way, but in the moment, I shrink. I need to stop. Every time I hesitate when I have to choose between bathrooms - and then choose that same awful womens room - I feel so terrible inside. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. But I'm so afraid I will go the other way and be confronted. "What are you doing in here? You dont belong in here?" Its a fear, whether the likelihood of it happening is slim. I mean, I go in the women's room and I certainly don't feel like I belong there. I rejoice whenever I find a unisex bathroom. They are always safe.
I live in a far more accepting community than I give it credit. People surprise me every day with how cool they can be. Why i can't let that fuel my confidence is beyond me. I feel good. I mean, I'm struggling at the moment, but I keep putting it in perspective by telling myself, "Yeah, well, what was struggling like this time last year?" It was ten times worse last year. I am on a much better path. The job now is to own it even more and to work on that "who gives a crap what anyone thinks about me" mindset I've always wanted but never been able to hold onto because of fear. Goal number one? Come out to my new coworker. She goes by what my bosses laid out for her, and what was that? Sam is a she. A girl. One of the ladies. [Excuse me while I barf]. To be honest talking to them again is up there too. We'll call it a 2 part goal.… see what I just did there? I put it in writing to make myself accountable. I'm already at wits end. We're coming up on the final straw.
This wasn't a particularly long post, but all of this has been swirling around in my head. Feeling the slightest bit better now. If I can complete that goal, I'll be WAY better.
No comments:
Post a Comment